Sarah Palin is one notable “political” figure (more on those scare quotes later) who shows up quite irregularly on this blog, especially given what some might note as her rather ubiquitous presence on the national scene. Along with Rush Limbaugh, she offers a certain kind of equilibrium to political discourse – namely, the braying of simplistic slogans meant to thrill the besotted and horrify the opposed. In this, she is quite successful. I long ago concluded that paying more than bemused attention to her drivel was serving little purpose other than driving up an already-high blood pressure, and seeing how both Palin and Limbaugh time and again offered nothing but minute variations on their copyrighted shtick, there seemed little reason to pay them any mind. Give me George Will, Robert Brooks, Ross Douthat, John Tierney, David Frum, Reihan Salam – I’ll digest and ponder whatever they have to say, no matter how much I may disagree with their worldview or conclusions. But considering the accruing tweets and bromides of the intellectual lightweight that is Sarah Palin is literally a waste of time – my time, your time, everybody’s time save media wonks and the Mama Grizzly set.
This type of stance – refusing to acknowledge the existence of a divisive cultural figure who has proved incredibly important to millions of “ordinary” citizens – is often derided as elitism, perhaps even Elitism with a Capital E. But let’s not get confused here. I am in no way denying the existence, impact, or popularity of Wasilla’s greatest export. Nor will I blunder into the typical “I don’t know anybody who likes her” explain-away. Rather, I’ll grant Plain her place in the sun and simply note that if one approaches politics and a national stage as a one-dimensional figure – a caricature, and one set on endless loop at that – people should be forgiven for refusing to check back and peruse every latest outrage against the English language, common sense, or decency. Having seen one thirty-minute segment of the artistry that is Benny Hill, I’m fairly confident that I grasp his essence, and that by changing the channel or clicking away each time he appears, I’m in no danger of missing out on anything I haven’t seen before. Similarly, having visited more than my fair share of McDonald’s establishments, I can pass by any number of Big Mac franchises without worrying whether or not there’s something inside that might prove eye-opening. Hence my attitude towards Sarah Palin, a McPolitician of the Benny Hill stripe is ever there was one.
However, even this “politician” designation is an injustice. For Sarah Palin is no more a politician than she is anything other than a celebrity. While she once chose the political path, and she may well choose it again, at the moment she serves no constituents, answers to no legislature, writes no laws, discloses no expenditures. Like members of the Royal Family and Paris Hilton, she is famous for being famous, and commands a national stage in which to bask in her famousness. Through the magic of social media, she remains at the epicenter of political discourse even though she currently wields no greater power than any other non-elected individual bending over their iPhone to complain about Washington. Yet with her book deals, reality TV gigs, costly speeches, and a popular Twitter account, one might be forgiven for confusing Palin with something other than an extremely opinionated celebrity. And perhaps she even is.
Why else this long lead-in to an investigation of Palin if I’ve already laid out the many reasons why I do not pay attention to her? Even hermits get some whisperings of the outside world, and if I’m plugged into the media machine enough to know that Meredith Vieira is being replaced by Ann Curry, I’m plugged in enough to ingest a few dispatches from the land of Palin. Besides, the wonderful thing about our Alaskan entertainer is that one needn’t suffer through endless hours of interviews (she tends not to grant them), magazine profiles (she’s shut herself off from anything other than puff pieces), or even her TLC-based reality show (I don’t get TLC, and the show has thankfully not been renewed for a second season). Instead, one can go directly to the source and eavesdrop on her very-much-alive Twitter feed, in which daily nuggets stream forth to both the faithful and the curious. Twitter may be a very imperfect vehicle for the transmission of sophisticated thought – limited to 140 characters, messages must by necessity (unless one is some kind of poet and/or master compressor) be devoid of nuance, depth, insight, explanation, explication, and/or discussion. Which is why it works so well in transmitting the thoughts of Hollywood celebrities, hip-hop stars, and D-grade politicians. While most people might feel constrained by such limitations, Kim Kardashian and Ashton Kutcher most likely do not. And while you or I might find ourselves at a loss to unfold the knotty details of any given political controversy in the same amount of space granted to a typical haiku, Sarah Palin suffers no such loss. Indeed, given that Twitter shines most when one is practicing self-celebration and/or barstool hectoring, one might suggest that Twitter remains the ne plus ultra of Palinian thought.
Hence the following graded attempt to identify Sarah Plain’s springtime Tweets, which have unfolded with the natural regularity, if not the grace, of April petals. Follow along as these simple messages reveal not a politician, or even much of a wit, but nothing more or less than an Internet Troll – always divisive, never wrong, and certainly not anybody’s friend.
Guide To Grading :
D : A poor showing, suggesting little in the way of calculation and perhaps even a heartfelt opinion. No attempt to divide, will outrage or delight few. Keith Olbermann will not read it.
C : Moderately successful, even a bit catty. Those attuned to Palin-code may nod in approval. Likely to coast below the radar of even the most attentive blogger. Might betray a hint of desperation, or simply a slow news day. Will not be mentioned by Keith Olbermann, although it might pop up in his inbox, forwarded by staff for consideration.
B : Solid showing - mean-spirited and generally uncalled-for. Often deployed against defenseless or harmless targets. Arguably stems from a political belief, yet now shares little resemblance to anything echoing thought. Will annoy or delight, depending on audience. Keith Olbermann will probably reference it.
A : Extraordinary work – a fine-tuned slice of bile. Highlights the most absurd and simplistic position possible on a given topic and runs with it. Likely to be repeated in some misspelled fashion on sandwich board. Primary function is to initiate rage. Keith Olbermann may devote an entire segment to it.
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The Tweets
March 2
Common sense & decency absent as wacko "church" allowed hate msgs spewed @ soldiers' funerals but we can't invoke God's name in public square
Rather run-of-the-mill slam against Supreme Court decision allowing The Westboro Baptist Church to protest funerals and other events. Details are scarce, and Palin exempts herself from addressing issues of freedom of speech. Rather lazily references the absence of “common sense and decency,” which she neatly ties in with separation of church and state. Hopeless confusion of two very distinct issues. Subtle insistence on first-person plural personal pronoun “we” to describe those unfairly kept from shouting God’s name in public [as in, “we can’t invoke God’s name in public square”] excludes all who might not wish to proselytize, or perhaps just pretends non-believers don’t exist. Ultimately suggests two crimes are being committed, both involving freedom of speech and both making Jesus very sad. C+
March 8
WaPo, you're through. Have u no shame? MT"@weeklystandard: WaPo Mocks 82-yr-old Natl Medal Arts Winner,Cancer Survivor http://bit.ly/dEgwzv"
Hopelessly obscure bromide against Washington Post blogger Alexandra Petri, who initiated a “caption this photo” contest for a snapshot of a very disheveled Donald Hall, noted New Hampshire poet, receiving a National Endowment of the Arts medal from President Obama. The photo is undeniably very odd, Petri’s contest just as undeniably unfunny. Exactly why Sarah Palin felt the need to weigh in on this matter, much less to announce the Washington Post was “through,” remains a mystery, although one notes Palin rarely skips any opportunity to lambast the press. Perhaps she holds a soft spot in her heart for Hall’s 1979 Caldecott winner Ox-Cart Man. Many of us do. Docked a notch for mostly consisting of a link to somebody else’s article. D+
March 9
We're $14,000,000,000,000+ in debt, yet rodeo clowns still want to fund the Cowboy Poetry Party.That must be 1 helluvahigh natl priority shindig
A return to form – nearly a textbook example of lashing out at a defenseless target. Perhaps to distance herself from accusations of going Commie by praising a no doubt left-aligned poet, Palin casts her gaze across our debt-besotted land and affixes clear blame to the Cowboy Poetry Festival, held each year in Northern Nevada. A simple Google search might enlighten the ignorant, but suffice to say Cowboy Poetry is as distinct and fully matured an indigenous art form as any other slice of regionalism on offer. Tying “rodeo clowns” to supporters of “cowboy poetry” is a nifty piece of work, though. Major props for distancing herself from a form of national discourse in which participants must wear cowboy hats. And for dropping the mild epithet “helluva,” which surely wouldn’t get the nod from the average evangelical pulpit. B+
March 26
So very sad, the passing of Geraldine Ferraro. God bless her family&friends;thank you for sharing this accomplished American with all of us.
Poor showing. Suggests a genuine emotion, perhaps even an idea with no political calculation. Uses the passing of a fellow female politician for nothing more nor less than a remembrance. Given the massive differences in political opinions between Ms. Ferraro and Ms. Palin, however, one might note that had Ms. Ferraro not spoke out sympathetically on Ms. Palin’s treatment by the press during the 2008 election. Attack the media, and you’re on Palin’s good side, even if you vocally support abortion. D
April 8
Appalling Commander in Chief action: Announce veto of troop funding in time of war. Troops sacrificing life & limb & he plays politics at . . .
. . . their expense. UNBELIVEABLE. Memo to the President: Insurgents won't stop & wait for govt shutdown to end before resuming actions
Her outrage runneth over. Two tweets for the price of one, the better to outline the unconscionable actions of those who might politicize Department of Defense appropriations. One might plausibly note that by adding ludicrous strings to a stop-gap funding measure meant to continue funding troops in the wake of a government shutdown – by in effect holding troops hostage unless extortion fees to the tune of $624 billion in cuts are agreed to via H.R. 1363 – the party Palin claims fealty to had already lurched into the realm of sacrificing the troops. Such an acknowledgment might require an unprecedented third Tweet for the price of one. Lovely misspelling of “unbelievable” – it’s a tough one, isn’t it? And finely crafted warning of insurgents lying in wait regardless of government shutdown or not. Let's hope the President got the memo. Splendid effort. B+
April 8
GOP: don't retreat! The country is going broke. We can't AFFORD cowboy poetry & subsidizing abortion.
Lame pro forma exercise. Possibly Tweeted from a prone position. Falls back on previous flogged horse – the horror that is Cowboy Poetry – while “roping in” (see? I can do it, too!) women’s health and reproductive rights under the catchall boogeyman term “abortion”. One might suggest the need to further elucidate the difference between funding and subsidizing abortion, although one supposes it makes little difference. Even somebody willing to acknowledge that abortion treads on shaky moral ground might balk at conflating it with the likes of Cowboy Poetry, or vice versa. Come on – what is it about Cowboy Poetry that so inflames our Wasilla warrior? Don’t they ride horses up in Ay-lass-ka, city girl? C-
April 19
Paul Ryan reads Ayn Rand, he branded a terrorist. Obama starts his political career in a domestic terrorists house? No big deal.#tcot #p2@diggrbiii
Stunning foray into mock outrage. Manages to hoist aloft two sacred cows in one Tweet – groveling at the foot of Ayn Rand in one breath, smearing Obama with the “terrorist” brush in the other. Even the oafish “he” instead of “he’s” suggests a breathless rush to fury – why break for proper pronunciation when things are so deeply wrong? If only these were her own words, and not a simple re-Tweet from another. Nice try. B-
April 27
Media: admit it, Trump forced the issue. Now, don't let the WH distract you w/the birth crt from what Bernanke says today. Stay focused, eh?
A dazzling display of talent. First, lay into the media with your opening word, uttered in an almost casual just-you-and-me-baby kind of leer. Only the caress quickly becomes a noogie. “Admit it” – none of these spineless denials, media. Next, cozy up to Trump, fellow clown and poll bait, even though he hails from the PIG APPLE. Then: return to the media, only this time as a concerned friend, warning the confused rabbits not to let wily Obama to “distract” them. With what? His much-vaunted birth certificate, here rendered “crt,” as we all know of which we speak. Finally, goose ‘em with the dreaded Bernanke and a solemn plea to “stay focused”. The “eh” is a needless twist of the knife – to the right, decidedly to the right. So, hold on – what about this birth certificate? A-
May 4
Show photo as warning to others seeking America's destruction. No pussy-footing around, no politicking, no drama;it's part of the mission.
A splendid effort. Cuts directly to the chase, refers almost blithely to “the photo” – if you have to ask which one, why don’t you go ask your good friend Bill Ayers? Opens in strong declamatory mode – “show photo as warning” – dismissing any “who asked you?” queries through sheer firepower. Warning to who? “Others”. What kind of “others”? Those “seeking America’s destruction”. One notes that if Mutually Assured Destruction is no longer a compelling tactical or defensive guiding principal, Show Them The Photo is unlikely to replace it. From her comfortable position in whatever limousine she was riding in while putting fingers to mobile device, this resigned Governor of a National Park sneers “No pussy-footing around” [gender wars again?], “no politicking” [politician, heal thyself], “no drama” [but think of the rodeo clowns]. She closes with the finality of a gavel coming down on the expiring life of the guilty – “It’s part of the mission”. Whose mission, one might ask? And when did she get security clearance? The message could just as easily have been uttered by your drunken uncle sinking deep within his beanbag chair,and this is what I call a thing of beauty. A+
May 10
Oh lovely, White House. . .http://dailycaller.com/2011/05/09/burn-a-bush-michelle-obama-invites-rapper-common-to-a-poetry-reading/
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