Mr. Sheen Will Beat You Now: But Don't Mention The Producers

The very public meltdown of Charlie Sheen has been somewhat refreshing, in a celebrity meltdown kind of way. Jaded as the American public no doubt was after episodes of Mel Gibson spouting bigotry at arresting cops, John Galliano slurring anti-Semitic curses while bobbing and weaving from a barstool, Britney Spears bouncing children on her driver's-side knee and babbling about Kabbalah, and Lindsay Lohan doing another monosyllabic faceplant into the sea figs, Sheen's startlingly coherent and articulate rants suggest a wily intelligence behind his rage. Lobbing gobs of wit and effortlessly creating more than one turn of phrase, the last few weeks have revealed a television star who seems to yearn for the days of the Algonquin Round Table - a coke-binging Oscar Wilde, leaning forward into the camera in excitement rather than reclining back in boredom. His acid-etched speeches read like the kind of wittily mean scripts Hollywood doesn't circulate anymore.

The meltdown has captivated people far outside the normal orbit of CBS sitcoms, as the above Charlie Sheen Quote As New Yorker Cartoon spoof suggests (there are more here), and if a few freewheeling interviews are all it takes to cancel the most insipid program ever to claim TV's highest ratings, well, one wishes Jennifer Aniston and Matt LeBlanc had gone off on benders and done the same back in the sorry days of Friends. And even upon hearing the news that he'd been fired from Two And A Half Men, Sheen fired back in memorable form, noting of his one-time employers, "They continue to be in breach, like so many whales". It's that "like so many" bit that's brilliant, pushing it upwards towards classic retort status.

But in and among the juicier details, buried deep within the letter/legal notice Warner Brothers sent announcing their decision to fire Sheen was a clause citation that should raise the hackles on anybody paying attention. Briefly, the studio notes their legal ability to break an actor's contract if a felony act has been committed - specifically, any act "which constitutes a felony offense involving moral turpitude under federal, state, or local laws, or is indicted or convicted of any such offense". Both parties agree (or insist) that no felony offense has been committed as such, although Warner Bros. points out that one was plea bargained down, and allege that others are suspected to have been committed, specifically involving cocaine. Thus, legal grounds for contract termination.

Of course, even the most casual observer recognizes the real felony committed by Charlie Sheen - the ultimate Hollywood atrocity of talking smack about the producer. In this case, it was Executive Producer Chuck Lorre playing the role of helpless victim, shockingly identified by Sheen as a "charlatan" over a live microphone, derided as a "stupid little man," and even referred to by his given name, Chaim, which I guess can be construed as anti-Semitic if you squint hard enough. Even worse, Sheen had the audacity to take credit for the success of Lorre's deathless work of art, proclaiming his ability to turn "tin cans into gold". He also demanded a raise, deciding that $3 million per episode was only fair and just.

Now, one might note the ubiquitous presence of Lorre's "vanity cards," bizarre even by television standards, some of which did nothing short of call out Sheen for his outrageous on- and off-stage antics. One might retort that being derided as a "stupid little man" is, indeed, hurtful. But in the aftermath of Sheen's getting the ax from Two And A Half Men after going defiantly off-script, it's helpful to consider some earlier actions of Sheen's that did not result in any network or studio hauling out their "felony" escape clause in order to distance themselves from the troubled actor.

To wit:

* 1990, Sheen shoots then-fiancee Kelly Preston in the arm, in an event later described as an "accident," although Preston soon thereafter called off said engagement.

* 1994, Sheen is sued by a female college student on claims he punched her in the head after she expressed a disinterest in having sex. The case was settled out of court.

* 1996, Brittany Ashland, a sometime porn actress, was thrown to the floor during a physical altercation with Sheen, for which he paid a legal fine.

* 2006, then-wife Denise Richards files a restraining order against Sheen, alleging he shoved her during a fight and threatened to murder her.

* 2009, third wife Brooke Mueller had a knife held to her throat by Sheen during a violent altercation, for which he pleaded guilty and was placed on probation.

* 2010, a violent rampage by Sheen led actress Capri Anderson to place an emergency call to police while barricaded inside a locked bathroom at the Plaza Hotel.

* 2011, long-suffering third wife Brooke Mueller places another restraining order against Sheen after he threatens to kill her, specifically promising to cut her head off, stuff it into a box, and mail the severed head to her parents. The order granted, Sheen's two sons are removed from his home for protective custody.

Ooh, what a bad boy! Ooh, what a lovable rogue!

Glancing over the above pathetic rap sheet shows up thugs like Ben Roethlisberger for the misogyny-amateurs they are. And yet, both exemplify the many ways in which money-making abilities trump sadistic treatment of women, at least as far as their enabling team owners and studio execs are concerned. Roethlisberger sneered off a league-sanctioned wrist slap for two sexual assault allegations while being welcomed to the biggest prime time draw of the year with relatively open arms, just a few solid passes away from being lauded by millions and having trophies shoved into his arms. Likewise, Sheen's decades of abuse against women is smirkingly tolerated by studio suits for the sake of a hit CBS program so long as he bows and scrapes before the men who write the checks. In both cases, one suspects, the verdict was the same - who cares about a couple of sluts so long as they're bringing in the cash.

So, no, I'm not actually all that worried about Sheen and whether he'll ever get control over his demons. Me, I hope he suffers some. I remain more concerned for those who lie on the receiving end of his much-publicized arrogance, anger, and demons. And I'm not talking about Chuck Lorre.