Somebody Call A Palm Muting Lobbyist: Beating Back Socialism One Cookie Monster Vocal At A Time

It’s not often one stumbles across the unveiling of a heretofore unsuspected niche voter bloc – the kind of individual who triggers the salivary glands of wonks and pollsters, the special interest specimen who makes NAAFA adherents (National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, of course) or members of Jews For the Preservation of Firearms Ownership (JPFO, although not the only JPFO out there) look like hopeless centrists of the most mainstream variety. But once in a blue moon, in the vast parking lots that stretch across this great land, one uncovers a voice from the wilderness, a transmission from the darklands, a distress call wrapped in the cloak of extreme individuality. Behold that most democratic – nay, populist – form of interpersonal communication – the bumper sticker.

My discovery of the Stealth Voter came about by pure accident, as I pulled into a parking spot just alongside the Mission Valley BevMo, on a root beer errand for a thirsty duo. I can’t identify which store in the shopping plaza our Stealth Voter was patronizing, although I’m fairly certain it wasn’t David’s Bridal or Chevy’s Fresh Mex. Golfsmith is a distinct possibility, as is the Gordon Biersch Brewery, but this is all guesswork. All I have to go on are the impressive litany of complaints and enthusiasms plastered along the car’s backside, pasted together with little regard for order or feng shui, but a dedication to Here-Am-I pronouncements. The vehicle was a 93 Ford Festiva. There was a pizza box sitting on the dash. The driver was utilizing The Club.

I offer you the Death Metal Libertarian.

(The following lists the entirety of present bumper stickers, divided between sides of the vehicle, running top to bottom. I had a notebook. Footnotes are offered to parse cultural memes.)


DRIVER’S SIDE, REAR


WORK HARDER – MILLIONS ON WELFARE DEPEND ON YOU![1]

CRADLE OF FILTH[2]

GOATWHORE[3]

NOBAMA / NOSOCIALISM[4]

AC/DC[5]

THIS IS AMERICA– SPEAK ENGLISH![6]



PASSENGER’S SIDE, REAR


DREAMS OF DAMNATION[7]

COMRADE OBAMA, U.S.S.A.[8]

CANNIBAL CORPSE[9]

WARRIOR FOUNDATION[10]

NECROPHAGIST[11]

WHAT WOULD OZZY DO?[12]

[1] Possibly indicates moderate beliefs, as “millions” is less than “billions”. Side note: is there a bumper sticker mimicking the McDonald’s logo that reads, “WELFARE – MILLIONS AND MILLIONS NOT EARNED,” or did I miss my calling as a creator of politics of resentment stickers?

[2] Black/speed metal band, Norwegian in sound while British in origin. Lead singer is Dani Filth, debut album entitled The Principle of Evil Made Flesh. Even better is the title of their 2001 epic Bitter Suites to Succubi (which I guess passes for humor in the speed metal world – wouldn’t want to crack too big a smile, you might never stop). Words fail when confronted with the 2003 EP Vempire or Dark Fairytales in Phallustein. Again, possible hint at moderate views, as Cradle of Filth are, technically, foreigners.

[3] Meaning possibly obscure – sticker badly peeling on one side, might well be “Coatwhore”. At any rate, Goatwhore seems likely – Louisiana black metal outfit. Latest release is 2009’s Carving Out The Eyes Of God. Actually sounds like fairly typical late-80s hardcore to me, although with song titles such as “To Mourn and Forever Wander Through Forgotten Doorways,” you’d be forgiven for thinking you’d stumbled upon a collaboration between Jim Morrison and Sylvia Plath.

[4] Pretty self-explanatory, although the wit of “NOBAMA” is sort of lost with the subsequent effort to turn “no (to) Socialism” into one word.

[5] Ultimately suggests an earlier phase in the Death Metal Libertarian’s record buying habits. Although, Bon Scott certainly didn’t sit around waiting to be taxed to death, right?

[6]Two responses suggest themselves. One, how incongruous that such a devotee of the English language should find meaning and ultimate satisfaction through the medium of death metal lyrics, surely one of the least language-bound and most incomprehensible styles of performance in modern culture. Two, can I have your Hollenthon cds then?

[7]Have to admit, this is pretty impressive – the death metal equivalent of bumping into a booklover who keeps bringing up Edward Whittemore or Ugo Foscolo. A side project for members of the dissolved Dark Angel outfit, with exactly one cd to their name, released over ten years ago. In case you’re curious, Dark Angel broke up due to lead singer Ron Rinehart’s health concerns, the details of which have been summed up by a fan or perhaps band member on their brief Wikipedia page thusly; “he was forced to retire from music because the doctors told him he shouldn't sing again if he wanted to walk, thus ending Dark Angel's reunion”.

[8] Unclear. United States Snooker Association? University of Strathclyde Student’s Association? The lead-off song on the B Side to the Butthole Surfer’s 1987 classic Locust Abortion Technician?

[9] The pride of Buffalo, NY. The downward spiral of these once cutting-edge death pioneers can be easily traced through a cursory glance at their album titles, which opened the 1990s with such visually commanding entries as Eaten Back To Life and Butchered At Birth to the I-give-up-what-do-you-wanna-call-it 2006 offering Kill. It’s nice to see, however, that the boys haven’t turned all mushy in their old age – Kill features the modern classics “Five Nails Through The Neck” and “Submerged in Boiling Flesh,” which I can't quite compute.

[10] The presence of a cartoon bald eagle suggests this sticker refers to the San Diego-area program aiding wounded military personnel. The organization was created by Rick Roberts, conservative radio host at KFMB.

[11] Oddly, another non-English speaking/growling band, from Germany. 1999’s Onset of Putrefaction is considered their definitive work. Name literally means “Eater of the Dead” (Nekro = dead, Phagos = eater of). Not to be confused with American death metal pioneers Necrophagia.

[12] As of press time, Ozzy Osbourne’s stances on welfare and socialism have not been recorded. He did, however, inform the Israeli press this past Sunday that “I have no time for politics. They don't understand me and I don't understand them”. Concerning the second point of this statement, at least, I am sure both Ozzy and the owner of the 93 Festiva agree.